Thursday, November 13, 2014

No Voice



It's amazing how long it takes, but at the same amount of time how short it takes for one human to forget about another human. You often think that since two people spent so much time together that allowing your mind not to think of that said person you would be crazy...I mean how often does an ex of any sort come into one mind? And I am not talking about In a sexual way, but there are so many times during my life I have thought... Oh I wonder if they ever had a baby...or hmm I wonder if he is still in construction... Or I wonder if she is dating someone like me- or does she ever think of me. You know just the normal pondering of ones mind... Unless you are from the valley- and from I mean born and raised and still live here you really don't understand just how small this place really is... As I have started a new job and am trying to get my life back to some sort of normalcy after a tragic past six months, it is as though I am simply not allowed. So many of Jasons friends have kids at my new school and they feel the need to console me and it is appreciated and their kindness is taken kindly but at the same time it is one of the hardest things to deal with... Grief is already such an earthquake with so many after shocks it is unbelievable...and then people finding out and feeling their own mourning time is very hard, but off topic a bit....so people forgetting you... I feel like I have finally accepted the fate that I have...I will never be able to pick up the phone and have a hello again...last night I went to sleep about 9:30 and I slept hard... After my day at work I needed to get into warm jammies and curl into bed and cover myself all the way with my "princess" blanket (the softest thing in the world) but as I fell asleep I was just happy that I was given another day and that that gift was now coming to an end...my dream was so vivid last night...so vivid that I was hysterically crying in my sleep... I dream of my brother often...I dream of the way he looked hooked up to a million machines as he fought for his life... I dream of his soft skin that my sister and I would caress as he laid in the hospital bed and his curly hair that we have of his...I dream of every good and every not so good time and he is always in them, but this last dream was different...writing about this I am trembling and crying all over again...it was my mom dad sister and myself at a festival of some sort...we were about to sit down at a long folding table that had wooden chairs...now keep in mind that in my dream my brother had passed already it was clear that we are still mourning ..as I went to sit down I looked up and there he was...curly shaggy hair a blue button up thick navy blue shirt...it is currently hanging in my closet...I haven't had the will to wear it yet as I don't want his smell to be gone and mine to take over so I occasionally rub my hand against it and smell it because unless you loose someone you won't ever know what it is like not to ever be able to smell them again....he was wearing this shirt and his hair was shaggy and the front part of his hair covered his crystal blue eyes like it always had...he had on his fancy blue jeans and vans...his staple of a wardrobe under his blue button up he had a white t shirt with some writing on it which normally would have made my mom so angry and upset...he had his backpack on and a crooked smile on his face... Jason always wore a crooked smile...especially if mom was mad at him and I know secretly mom would melt and try to stay mad but deep down inside she melted and he knew it..he stood there and my heart stopped-he stood there so real-he stood there like he never left us- he stood there and looked at me and said,"hey Lo." I stood there frozen as it felt so real. For the first time in six months I felt at ease-I felt happy-I felt normal again-he said hi Lo. I scooted over a seat and he sat down. Dad and mom were there and they acted like nothing-like they saw him yesterday. Mom spoke and kissed him and he said hi to pops...as he always called my dad...I was still in utter shock-I was siting next to my brother again-I took my trembling hand and I rubbed it over his left cheek- I had to feel his skin-I had to see if it was real- as I did that he vanished- he was no longer sitting next to me- as I slept i became hysterical- I could feel the tears streaming down my ace, but I was still sound asleep- the tears and the cries came spewing out of my mouth- still sleeping I could not control myself- he was gone-he vanished...why wasn't he sitting next to me anymore? I didn't understand and that made me cry even more- why was I able to have this dream-why would I be given the ability to have a dream that was so real and have to wake up knowing he would never sit next to me again-at that moment I picked up the phone-I needed comfort-I needed an arm around me-I needed someone to tell me that it was going to be ok-and instead I got a voicemail-I cried even harder as i immediately realized I was not getting what I wanted-I was not having a voice on the other end-I was listening to a voicemail-my end was a voicemail recording-I didn't get the comfort-or the it's ok or the arm around me in bed- instead I got the voicemail and it fucking sucked-you never know how loosing someone is going to effect you but knowing you will never hear their voice again is enough to rip your heart out whether they are alive or in heaven- people forget about you.


Sent from my iPhone
Lauren Muscarella