Monday, January 9, 2017

New Year...Another Resolution?

I  have to admit I have never been one to really make a new year's  resolution. I mean seriously every day I tell myself to eat healthy, workout, don't put that candy in your mouth...and every day I go to bed and say to myself that tomorrow is a new day and I can start over.  I'm not that hard on myself because I wake up the next morning and butter my toast for breakfast.

As 2017 approached I really started thinking about resolutions and what I wanted to get out of this new year.  A lot has changed for me this past year.  Becoming a mother has changed me in so many ways.  For the better, but still.  I don't live for myself anymore.  I wake up each and every day hoping to be the best mom I can be.  There are so many nights that I lie awake questioning if I did the right thing.  If I loved on her enough.  If  I fed her the right amount of food.  If Matilda knows that I love her. I question so much internally.  Before becoming a mother I knew that I would be a good mother some day.  I knew that I had such a desire and a love for children.  I have spent my entire career being an advocate for children.  I was so confident when I was pregnant that I would be the best mommy there was for my little one.  But when I became a mother that confidence that I once had decided to hide.  When you first become a mother you worry so much.

I want Matilda to have the best life she can have.  I want her to know that she is loved and that she is the best thing that has ever happened to our little family.  I want her to know that we are here for her no matter what.  I want Matilda to know that we, her father and I, will do everything in our power to make sure that she is safe.

So, no I will not be making a resolution this year for myself.  Instead I will make sure that I continue to be the best mommy to my little girl there is. I know that I am doing a great job and that I will continue to do so and that is all I can do.  I will continue to love on her and make her have the best life I can.


Friday, December 30, 2016

As another year comes to an end I can't help but stop and reflect on what a marvelous year my family and I have had.

I know for many 2016 wasn't the greatest and they might not be looking forward to many things in the upcoming year, but I for one am.

2016 brought me so many happy memories. This past March Felipe and I celebrated our one year anniversary as husband and wife. We welcomed our sweet Matilda Rose into the world in April, celebrated her Baptism in September and all of the many firsts for her so far.  Our holidays were extra special this year having our little miss around.  I was given one of the greatest gifts of not having to return to work and being able to be a stay at home mommy. We went out on one date after having Matilda.  We even lasted a whole two hours before my mom called to tell me that Matilda was hysterically crying and to come back.  (thank God I got my parents a hotel right next door to the party so I could make it to her quickly)!  We also went on our first family vacation!

April 26, 2016 
Matilda Rose Huizar

Our first family vacation to Disneyland

Mother's Day

First time on Santa's Lap

Matilda's Godparents

Baptismal Day

There have been so many memories made this past year and I can't wait to make many more memories in 2017.

I hope you all have a very safe and Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Our PICU Stay

Earlier this week our Matilda Rose turned eight months old.  It is so crazy how fast time has flown by. I have to admit (mom if you are reading this you can smile now) that I did not believe anyone who told me that, but it is like I blinked my eye and she is closer to a year old already.  I have said a million times that I am not the mom that I thought I would be and I am happy about that.  Truly I am so happy with how my husband I parent our little one.

I gave birth to Matilda after I was induced at thirty-seven weeks due to high blood pressure and not passing several stress tests.  We were very cautious with bringing her home and making sure she was well taken care of and stayed indoors for quite some time.  Needless to say no matter how many times we washed our hands and made sure she was covered up she ended up catching a cold.  Now, this dates back to when Matilda was only six weeks old when she caught her first cold.  It was Memorial Day and the doctor's office was closed.  Felipe and I decided to wait until morning, as I did not want to take her to the emergency room.  When we woke up that Tuesday I immediately called the doctor's office and later that afternoon we were seen.  Just as I had thought there wasn't much that they could do for her.  She simply had a cold.  We went back home and loved on her as much as we could and tried to make her as comfortable as she could be.  

The next day she didn't seem to be any better, but we figured it would take a while for her to get over her first cold.  That night Felipe and I headed into the bedroom to get ready for bed.  Matilda was asleep in his arms and I began pumping on the bed.  I wasn't paying much attention to him at all to be honest.  I was busy and so so so tired.  Both Matilda and Felipe were sitting in a chair and Matilda woke up. 
 I heard him talking to her and then I heard him say, "Matilda!  Matilda!  Lauren Matilda!" I jumped up and saw him moving her body.  Her face went from bright red to blue.  Matilda had stopped breathing.  I will never forget that feeling that rushed over me. My baby.  My brand new baby.  She was in her daddy's arms not breathing.  I instantly went into mom survival mode and tapped on her face and blew in her face a little.  That worked.  She came back to it and she was fine.  She looked fine.  Her color was back to normal.  She was back.  All three of us ran upstairs to get my parents (we are remodeling our house so we have been staying with my parents).  We all jumped in our cars and rushed over to the emergency room.  They took us in right away.  After several tests and finding nothing they said that they thought it was SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), but that she self corrected it and was able to come back and breath on her own.  To say both her father and I were confused is an understatement.  To be honest to this day we have had no diagnosis.  Since they could not make a diagnosis during our time at the emergency room they had us sent to another hospital by ambulance to be seen by a pediatrician.  Once we arrived at the hospital they placed Matilda in the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit).  We were so nervous and so confused and all we wanted to do was take our six week old baby home with us.  Watching our little newborn be placed on this what looked like a huge bed and attached to different equipment and really not knowing anything was horrifying.  They again ran several tests and found nothing.  They treated her for whooping cough, but that came back negative.  They still had no answer as to what had caused her to stop breathing.  We spent four very long days at the hospital having them deep suction her nose and throat out several times a day.  I stayed with her the entire time showering upstairs on the pediatric floor.  I could not even think to leave her side.  She was such a trooper though and very seldom did she even cry.  She was so brave at such a young age and to this day is still so brave and strong.  

The morning after taking her to the doctors.

So so tired

Snoozing with her Fuzzy

Even in the PICU she is such a happy girl

I thank God each and every day that he had his healing hand over our little miss that night and has continued to watch over her.  We are so blessed.  

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

which BREAST is best

have hesitated writing this blog post for a long time, but when i see things posted about breastfeeding i just thought i would share my experience...

even before i became pregnant i would always hear people and their opinions on breastfeeding-among a million other things...i have discussed in previous posts how i did absolutely ZERO research while i was pregnant...i can honestly say that i am a million times a different mother than i thought i was going to be and i could not be happier (and neither could my husband)...i thought i would be a total granola, research everything kind of mom and i couldn't be further from that...which for me and my family is great...when it came to breastfeeding everyone would always ask me if i was going to try/do it and my answer always remained the same...i would tell them that if my body allowed me to breastfeed then i would...i would not worry about my milk supply coming in or drinking tea other liquids to help me or take pills...i am a firm believer that if it is meant to be then it will it it what you will...but it has worked for me and i am a happy camper with my choices...

once matilda came into the world and we tried feeding for the first time i had no problem at all with my left breast (which is the breast i tried first) everything seemed to work out perfectly and she latched right away... to say i felt great was an understatement...i was on cloud nine...on top of the world...i felt like a pro...she fed on the left side for a few minutes and we went to try the right side and immediately she became agitated and very fussy... she was trying so hard and could not latch...i didn't panic at all and just figured she didn't want to eat at that moment so we stopped...we loved on each other and just enjoyed the quiet after a feeding...a while later i tried to start her on the right side instead this time to see if she was just full the last time... she again became agitated and very fussy...not knowing what was happening i called the nurse and she told me to stimulate my nipple so that is just felipe and i did...or we tried to say the least... there was blowing, there was ice, there was touching and it seemed to harden the nipple, but nothing allowed her to latch...(none of this was remotely sexy anymore like it would have been before baby) i sat there in the hospital bed a little disappointed a little sad and a lot confused, but reminded myself again that what is to be will be and i do not have the power to change certain things...

because i was not able to leave my bed during my week long stay at the hospital i sat there trying to figure out what was wrong with one breast but fine with the other...i tried not to worry until the nurse took my little miss to weigh her and she had dropped an entire pound...that is when i began to freak out...felipe was so good he just kept reassuring me everything would be instructed i just kept feeding matilda from the left breast and she seemed content...there was simply nothing i could do but that...until it finally dawned on surgery...

when i was in fifth grade they found a lump in my right breast and they immediately removed it...i was fine and all of the test results came back fine...i never thought much about it after the surgery...i have a few scars...but because they have been there for so many years they are just a part of me...i mean they have been there for 20+ years (boy it didn't seem that long ago until i just typed 20+) the way that the doctor had to remove the mass was to cut under, across, and above my due to the cut my nipple is not able to contract back and forth like my left breast does...i was thrilled to finally figure it out...silly maybe but it made me so happy

the next day...the first day home with our little one...we spent at a lactation specialist trying to figure out ways to have matilda gain that weight back that she lost..during our visit i was hooked up to some concoction with a bottle and a tube that was taped to my breast and then placed in matilda's mouth so she could eat from my breast and have formula at the same time...(if this worked for anyone else i am so happy,,,but for us not so much) the specialist had matilda in and out of her clothes so many times and was moving my sweet little days old baby around and humming in her ear so much that i finally lost it in private but i lost it...i excused myself and went to the bathroom and cried and cried... returning felipe knew i was upset as was he as he held back his own tears as our new baby was screaming crying in someone else's arms...we politely told the specialist that we were ready to go home and we packed up our baby and bags and made our way to our we sat in the car we both just looked at each other and cried... being a new parent is hard and stressful and emotional and then to have your first day out of the hospital like that sent us over the edge...

as we drove home i looked at my husband and told him that i just couldn't do that concoction and that i wouldn't do it and he agreed...thank God... we decided that we as her parents would always make the best choices for her and she would always be taken care of... we would use formula and continue breastfeeding and we would all be fine... and at that moment we both knew that we were already great parents...

if i knew then what i know now... matilda is eight months old and in the 97th percentile for her weight...she weighs well over 20 pounds and is the perfect little miss...and guess what... she has only eaten off of one breast for the last eight months with no formula because this little lady refuses the formula and a i guess we were right and followed our own instincts on parenting!!

Thursday, September 1, 2016

What is your BIG HaPpY?

For about a week now I have sat looking at this Gymboree shopping bag.  It has sat in  the bathroom filled with trash and every time I am in the bathroom I read the side of the bag and it reads, "What is your big happy?"  It got me thinking about what my big happy much has happened in my life in the past few years...i met the man of my dreams, we married, we had our matilda rose,  are renovating our house, and made the greatest choice this far...after so much thought during my entire pregnancy we talked about me continuing to work and finding a nanny, sitter,or enrolling her in daycare...i never wanted to work if we were going to have babies, but sometimes you just have to have a dual income to live the life that you see fit...after having matilda rose i could not imagine going back to work, but i knew that there was a slight possibility of that happening...i prayed and prayed that God would allow me to stay home, but still wasn't sure we could i silently struggled with the idea of going back to work my husband sat me down and discussed with me his thoughts...he said the words i longed to hear...he told me that as he made the choice to switch careers he knew this was something that i desired and he couldn't see someone else being with the baby besides me...i would be able to stay home with our little miss...i was thrilled...with the career that my husband has his hours are different every day and they are long... most days he is out of the house no later than 5 am and home by 7 or 8 with that said he is sacrificing so much for his family...he is working so hard for us and not a day that goes by am i not appreciative of him for his is easy to overlook those sacrifices, but as i sit and read the logo of the bag i realize that my BIG happy is my HUSBAND.  I am beyond blessed that i found him and matilda has him as her daddy...
so What is your Big HaPpY?

Tuesday, August 16, 2016


it is so funny to me because before i became a mommy i never really put too much thought into the whole concept...i already knew things would change...i saw it when my sister had her first little one...i knew life wasn't going to be hard, but it wasn't going to be easy by any means either...we were adding a new human into it...they are hard to handle no matter how you look at it...i am doing great as a first time mommy, but boy did i take things for granted...such as....
-going to the bathroom and finishing
-looking at the pictures in a magazine...forget reading any of the juicy gossip news about the latest celebrity... no one has time for that
-taking a full shower and not having to choose shampoo and conditioner or just a shave of the legs
- taking a shower and finishing a full leg shave...not just to the knee
-watching an entire episode of Ray Donovan without being interrupted to feed or change a diaper
- not having my boob out 24/7 to feed
- having some sort of intimacy with my husband...i settle for a pat goodnight now
- sleeping any way but on my back...we co sleep my choice and i love it...but man oh man my sides miss the bed
-enjoying our bed
-doing a full makeup job before leaving the house
-picking between makeup or hair
-running an is a full diaper change, feeding, and diaper bag check before we even head out the door...not to mention going on vacation and packing for three now
i am sure i forgot to mention some...but i still wouldn't change it for the entire just puts things into perspective once your little one arrives.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

our first mother's day

we weren't sure if we would have our little one arrive before mother's day, as our due date wasn't until may eleventh...but she arrived on april with that said mamma had her first mother's day this was a very exciting day for me... we decided that we would take her out to church and then over to my sisters for breakfast and then we would come back home and just veg out in our jammies for the rest of the day... we went to mass and she was amazing at her first service... i fed her in the car right before mass started and she slept through the entire service... during mass the priest called all of the moms up to the altar for a special blessing and we received a little gift... it was so special walking up with her in my arms... i felt so lucky... after mass we went over to my sister's house and we all had breakfast and hung out for a little while... when we got home to my parents house we all put on our jammies and we watched movies, cooked dinner, and just hung out and loved on each other... it was the most perfect first mother's day i could have ever imagined...matilda got her mommy a beautiful necklace and a collage of pictures of her with her most favorite people as well as the most beautiful arrangement of flowers... my mom and dad also gave me a pair of beautiful earnings for my first mother's day... i felt so spoiled...I feel so lucky to have such an amazing husband, little miss and such wonderful parents that love us all...
matilda with her fuzzy

3 generations... just missing our tia nellie